Skinny jeans don't actually come with the skinny in them. Weird, right? In reality, they come with a sort of sausage shape with stuff squished and poking out on the top. Or at least they did in the ones I tried on. I'm really shocked the style is so popular. Do you think it was the brand? Anyone know where all the thin under-thirty-year-olds are getting theirs?

There are pharmaceuticals for every disease, addiction, disorder, and syndrome in existence. We are drowning in pills, caplets and extend-tabs for every possible problem. Except for the REALLY important ones.

.o.O.o.O.o.O.o.

Why have they not come up with a decent weight loss drug yet? One that doesn't make you *cough* all over yourself. No, not cough all over yourself – *cough* all over yourself (as in *cough* shit *cough*). I can buy something that will make my boobs bigger, but can't find anything to make my butt smaller. Who's in charge around here? Oh right – a man.

What about an anti-procrastination pill? Cocaine doesn't count, I'm talking over-the-counter here. Plus, how much could you really get done with your nose running faster than your feet?

For that matter, sleep in pill-form would help me out a lot. It would have to be better than the No Doz caffeine pills you can buy. Firstly, that's what coffee is for. And secondly, three hours after I take the pill, I crash faster than my computer. No, the new drug needs to knock me out so I sleep like a baby, and then be able to wake me up like a baby does (about an hour and a half later). Without the need of a diaper change, of course – that would be an unpleasant side-effect.

A cure for stupidity would have to come in an aerosol form. You know, like the ones you can shoot up your nose if it's stuffy. That way you could walk down the hall at work and spray in all directions. Can they make an aerosol strong enough to get from my window into the car next to me? We could combine that one with a dose of driving improvement.

What I really need is a listen to Mommy and do what she says tablet. In chewable form, or maybe gummy. It'd be the one drug I'd actually encourage my children to become addicted to. Especially if it's side-effects included inability to concentrate on video games and possible OCD-ish behavior with regard to cleanliness.

The bottom line is that before all of these life/sanity saving drugs can be developed, we need funding. Research and development, attorney fees, and kick-backs to the FDA all take money. So, while I start sketching out the grant proposal, you get to work on our product names. Use the comment box on this page to let me know what you come up with.

Come on, People. Let's do it for humanity.